Weekly i asks consultants to reply readers’ questions on love, intercourse, and relationships
Earlier this yr I began seeing a good friend’s brother after we hit it off immediately. He is excellent trying and has by no means been in need of girlfriends – he likes to say I am the primary woman he is ever pursued. He is mentioned this a couple of instances and it is develop into a pink flag as a result of it appears like a useless factor to say — like I needs to be grateful to him for giving me the privilege of his time.
Over time I’ve seen different little habits like speaking about himself and his hair on a regular basis. He talks lots about coloring, reducing and washing and sees a stylist each two weeks. I discover it odd, as a result of I do not know anybody else who goes that always.
He additionally likes to spend some huge cash on costly garments and takes an excessive quantity of selfies. I caught a glimpse of the picture library on his cellphone and it was a stable batch of selfies. What’s fascinating is that he does not ship them to me, so who does he ship them to?
As a result of my final long-term relationship was abusive and poisonous, I realized lots in regards to the spectrum of narcissism and why individuals mistreat others. It took a very long time to get myself out of there, and it significantly affected my psychological well being.
I’m now cautious of ever stepping again in an identical scenario. Because of this, I have been consistently studying articles on-line about narcissism and “darkish triad” persona to verify it by no means occurs once more. I’m going down rabbit holes to learn stuff on-line and I do not know if it is useful. Am I seeing issues that are not there?
I am afraid I am too laborious on my new boyfriend. May or not it’s that I am too fast to label him? May I scan threats and search for issues to fret about? Folks make errors and are individuals. I am additionally attempting to know why I put him on within the first place and what I must study myself from this.
In brief – does he sound like a narcissist to you? And in that case, why am I drawn to him?
Nicola Foster intercourse and relationship therapist at realrelating.com says:
Narcissism has develop into a buzzword currently and it may well really feel like there are narcissists all over the place. To start with, you will need to distinguish between a narcissist (an individual with a prognosis of narcissistic persona dysfunction) and somebody with narcissistic traits.
The fact is that many people have a few of these traits — and our society celebrates them, with a lot deal with social media profiles, the proper selfie, and the pursuit of individualism.
However time spent doing this does not robotically make somebody a narcissist, and having a few of these tendencies is not essentially a relationship breaker. Sure, an individual could typically put their wants first, or discover it troublesome to see the world via one other particular person’s eyes, however they might even have the capability for empathy, caring, and compassion.
You point out that you just already skilled abuse in your final relationship, so your vigilance in in search of pink flags is comprehensible and prudent. However it’s additionally a good suggestion to pause and examine that you just’re not simply labeling him. A method may be to ask your self: What are the inexperienced flags you see?
In any new relationship, it is vital to go gradual so you’ll be able to set up if a potential companion has the power to essentially care about you and make your wants vital. All too typically we lose contact with our wants and bounds within the pleasure and depth of a brand new relationship.
Some issues to look out for may be: is he prepared to speak in regards to the relationship? Does he introduce you to his family and friends? Is he fascinated with celebrating your achievements? Can he empathize with you? Can he admit when he’s at fault and apologize? And naturally you’ve gotten to have the ability to provide these qualities in return, not at all times, however it’s important to have the option and prepared.
None of us are good, we’re all human and all of us make errors. Are we prepared to indicate up and love somebody with their messiness and ours, and proceed to be taught and develop collectively?
In the end, you’ll have to resolve what your boundaries are and what behaviors you need to settle for from him. In the event you discover it troublesome to speak about your boundaries or know what they’re, speaking to a therapist is an efficient place to start out.
As advised to Marianne Energy