Within the years that adopted, there have been occasional enjoyable occasions, however largely it was a really darkish place to be. I needed to do jobs at manufacturers I did not wish to work for as a result of the cash was “too good.” I needed to cry after I did not match into the garments throughout shoots as a result of I wasn’t the pattern measurement. I cried on set after I was too uncomfortable, and so they simply fastened my make-up. I by no means bought the assist I wanted from the individuals who had been imagined to maintain me. The angle was extra, “stick with the issue and hold her working;” sprinkle her with alcohol or no matter to maintain her going,” as an alternative of, “Okay, possibly this lady wants assist.”
When the pressures of the trade turned insufferable, I fell right into a deep melancholy. I did not wish to present up for work; I couldn’t do it. And I used to be blamed. “Different women would die to be in your place,” my brokers would inform me. “You might be so ungrateful.” I needed to scream. Someplace alongside the road I utterly misplaced myself and had a nervous breakdown.
So in April 2021 I made a decision to take a step again from modeling. I used to be dwelling with my finest good friend Sahara Ray in Los Angeles on the time and he or she was doing OnlyFans. I had by no means met somebody who was so open and free along with his physique, who was not pressured and will work on his phrases. We began doing nude shoots collectively, after which we began inviting different women to do content material with us as properly. We might arrange the shoot and make units for them, we would sit and chat and shoot collectively. All of us took off our garments and ran round, and everybody felt comfy and secure. It is wonderful what you are able to do when there are solely ladies in the home. I bear in mind considering, why cannot the remainder of the world be like this?
I used to be making good cash with OnlyFans virtually instantly. I do not wish to say how a lot, there’s a number of details about how a lot women earn, however that wasn’t my level. For me, it was about discovering one thing the place I may lastly be myself and never solely really feel comfy – which I hadn’t performed at work in so lengthy – however really feel empowered. The modeling trade is so glamorous and OnlyFans is so villainous, however OnlyFans is the one place I’ve felt so empowered and secure.
However when it was introduced that I used to be doing OnlyFans, I used to be ripped aside by the press. There have been headlines saying I used to be going to “hit all-time low” as a result of I could not get a modeling job. Then I used to be fired from my partnership with PacSun, I used to be suspended from my company, and everybody I had labored with in modeling simply stop. It had a huge effect on me and I did not anticipate how a lot my life would change. I had gone from working continuous in an intense trade I had been in since I used to be 16 to OnlyFans and never solely did I not obtain assist from these round me, however was additionally ridiculed and shamed for it. I began to really feel depressed and anxious once more. It wasn’t lengthy earlier than I could not get away from bed and would numb my anxiousness with medicine and alcohol. And that is why I checked myself into rehab earlier this 12 months in February.
